(8 minute read)
Last month a friend of mine (frog girl) came to the Netherlands. I met her at a Tantra festival and we connected deeply.
It seemed like she showed me around in my country and we ended up in Odessa on a Friday night. It was a great party where I danced in the moment again and I met one of the women that was working there. A beautiful creature with lots of experience in all sorts of things. We danced and kissed and I even did a striptease for her. We had a great evening.
The next day I made frog girl a nice breakfast and we went to Bloemendaal aan zee to an outdoor festival on the beach. It started with a meditation. The party was filled with people that were sweet and loving but there was a lot of insecurity in the way they danced. It wasn’t tantric at all but very consciously. Froggy couldn’t get on the dance floor because of it. I mean, the sand.
I walked around there and there was the beautiful creature again! She was wearing a mask the other day and I had asked her to remove it but she wouldn’t. Nonetheless I recognized her big smile immediately and rushed to her. She was working again. This time as a masseuse. It took me a while to get to talk to her but after a while, and a massage, we had some dinner together. I bought junk food at the festival full of drunk people and she got a plate of nice vegan food. Slowly more people gathered around us. People that knew each other from tantric events. I met a women that I instantly recognized from the Tantra festival. The one that disappeared after having danced for me for a while. I let her read what I was about to publish about her and we cuddled and talked. She called the people that were gathering around the massage place “little lights”. I liked that and I started using the same word up until today. We were all sober and the rest was peaceful too but the contrast was huge. There were even people on ecstasy at the festival.
I had thoughts of seducing the masseuse
of course but I tried to let them go. I don’t want to have my head in the future and I know that I’ll probably just make myself fall in love so I didn’t.
When I was massaging froggy and she was massaging someone else we had some eye contact. The power from her eyes is strong. She’s feminine but her gaze is dominant. I saw her gazing in the eyes of one of her clients after a massage and he could have kissed her so easily but kept breaking eye contact. He wasn’t bad looking or didnt seem insecure but she was more like a goddess. This was her territory but with her in charge everything was peaceful. Like a matriachy would be. The feminine power equals equality so there is no need for men to bang their heads against the wall. Just to surrender themselves. This is the vibe I get when I look at the masseuse.
And I must admit that I would have been pretty intimidated too if it wasn’t for all the girls I engaged in the past 7 years of mechanically consuming them.
Or maybe it’s just that my best friend always talks shit about so many coaches that gave me confidence to become one myself. Or maybe it’s my age. Or it’s my latest progress. I think a bit of all. Probably the cultivated self love over the last few months weighs the heaviest because I notice difference at work too.
I’m done looking up to people and it makes me more relatable. More enjoyable and more alive.
After some weeks pass by we decide to go to a salsa party together. In those weeks I almost lost the motivation the meet her because it was taking long and I didn’t feel so attracted to her as much as before anymore. We went anyway and when I picked her up from her apartment I felt a little bit nervous anyway when she let me in to see her place.
The stairhouse was dark but decorated. It looked a bit spooky. It reminded me of a Ninja Turtles comic episode where a guy enters a swamp to visit a shamanic woman and turns him into a crocodile.
No other woman had ever let me in so fast. She was wearing a see through dress and had the same huge smile again. The only difference was that she talked so much.
It made me feel at ease because I’m busy trying to become more interested in people and remember stuff about them.
I find it very difficult to make a choice. The options for me are: I either fake interest and desperately try to remember it. I don’t ask stuff that doesn’t interest me so I won’t forget it either. Or I just change the people I hang out with to more interesting people.
Obviously the last option isn’t the least compelling but it’s an option nonetheless. I’ll probably never pick any of those drastic decisions.
The masseuse doesn’t seem to ever had this thought in her life when she talks and talks. It’s interesting and I have no trouble remembering what she says. Her life is really interesting and my life is boring compared to hers. I now feel like the women complaining about my ability to listen. I try to talk about me but she really doesn’t seem impressed. She says she wants to get married and that marriage is amazing. And she has been polyamorous many more times then me. She’s been on a date yesterday with a guy that introduced her to his girlfriend on the same date. Through the phone. It was too fast and later I ask myself if that date weighed as a reason she was praising monogamy so much today.
When we are on the dance floor we meet my other friend. A Hungarian girl that has been hanging out with my friends and me for years by now. She even came with us to Coco’s when we picked up girls.
The masseuse takes of her shoes in between of all the consciously dancing people that barely made the contact with each other.
They used to intimidate me so much. I couldn’t even dance with my salsa classmates on the dance floor back in the day.
I notice that now I don’t even care if there is room for us to dance. We dance like crazy and soon there is a big space around us in the middle of the dance floor. My Hungarian friend and her Ukrainian friend look and smile at us.
We have eye contact and matching energy but the steps are different and we make many mistakes. She’s still dominant and on a dance floor this isn’t really like what the rest is doing here.
Later that night I introduce the women to each other and we have a drink and play with icecubes. The girls seems to like each other but what else can you do then to like someone who likes the whole world? We put ice under each other’s clothes and it become pretty sexual. But whatever. It’s like everything the masseuse comes in contact with becomes sexual anyway.
After dancing with the Hungarian a little bit the Hungarian and me are both soaked in sweat and slowly start to adjust to each other. The movements become more and more smooth and at some point we are like water on the dance floor. I love it when that happens with ecstatic dance and I had never experienced that earlier. It’s like having sex but lot like normal sex. It’s more like I feel like I can be free. I stop caring what people think and enjoy myself. It’s real joy and used to be so rare for me. What is happening to me?!
After the salsa song there is some kind of workshop and everything becomes chaotic. I lose my friends.
When I start to look for them my eyes lock with the eyes of a young girl. It’s like we both look at each other at the same time without knowing and don’t stop looking.
She’s extremely pretty and totally my type. A full freckled curly redhead with a slender body. I say full freckled but you can double the amount of freckles on the face you just visualized. She’s literally covered in them, all over her body.
We start talking both at the same time and I say. I know You! And she says: I know you too!
I don’t remember from where and neither does she. We dance together and it’s nice but the dance floor is really full. I’m getting thirsty and tired. I’m covered in a seat and she’s covered in rain water. It’s so warm and wet on the dance floor but the vibe is amazing.
The redhead insists on buying me a drink and I feel that I can kiss her. My mind fucks me over and tells me in should kiss her or else she will see me as a loser. So I kiss her on the lips and she’s kisses back. I feel like I just plucked a flower. I tell her we are gonna be buddies.
We had already exchanged numbers before, to meet up for next week.
I kiss her goodbye again but when I bike home I ask myself what I did. Obviously this must have been a girl that I tried to pick up earlier in my life. I would never have let her walk away in my earlier years in Amsterdam. But why is the vibe so good between us? I must have failed to connect with her back in the day but there was a connection when our eyes locked on the dance floor.
I think people don’t forget connections because they are emotions. You can forget what you did with someone but you never forget how you feel about someone.
We feel good about each other. Or she was drunk. I don’t know. When I bike home I think I’m happy I didn’t ask if she was drunk. I’ll know soon enough if the connection is still there after the emotions of a dynamic evening have diminished.
I bike home feeling I acuired something. Like when I did pickup. It makes me think about pickup and about my fasting period. The three months are over now but I still haven’t talked to any girl that I wanted to talk to before talking to her. I probably feel good enough not to.
But still. I look around at the wet women around me. It’s raining hard and the drups are refreshingly warm.
I bike next to a beautiful woman and look at her for just a while and tell myself it would be really nice to connect with someone when biking next to them. This thought made me have some confidence in my self developed method. I found a way that looked pretty indirect and if you can let go of the desire and just be social this could actually work. Working as in making it work without damaging myself, not as in acquiring something. Nevertheless I tell myself this is vicious thinking.
But before I know it I start talking to the next woman that bikes next to me. She’s soaked like me and laughs at my comment. But when I want to say something else she loses concentration. She now has to break forcefully before turning left to not get hit by a car and a bike. I feel like it’s my fault because I distracted her and I even scream that I’m sorry but she doesn’t hear it anymore. And later I feel like that sorry wasn’t meant for her but for my subconscious mind for having bothered someone again. Even though it seemed just the right thing to do in the moment.
There are places to have fun where you might meet some people and when you quit with trying to aquire people you get to attract who you want in your life, instead of whoever just clicks with you. The redhead turned out the be a girl that tried to pick up indeed. Every week during my daygame meetings she was selling jewelry behind a stand in town. And she knew I was a pickup artist but we had fun together every week when I passed by with my friends, even though she told me she was a lesbian.
And I believed it for months. I guess my approach scared her away in the first place. Let’s see if she wants to be friends after finding out who I was.
Unconditional. So not necessairily platonic, cause that would be conditional.