Saturday, part two out or three (25 minute read)
The next day I wake up on time and even do my morning routine of meditation and cold shower.
When a roommate comes down I tell him that I still have time to watch an episode of Game of Thrones and we watch it. Then I see that I looked at the clock at my computer with the winter time and rush out the house. I’m coming all sweaty, an hour late to the first workshop.
It’s the men’s day and I ask myself if that wouldn’t be the reason that my subconscious mind decided to make me come late.
I have no idea what to expect but when I get there in my wet t shirt I’m glad to take it off. Most men are without shirt already and they are dancing in a circle. I don’t feel watched but I feel like I don’t belong because I’m not feeling ‘it’.
I quickly get into the vibe though and so does my friend Tamás. Him and another guy get all naked when we dance some kind of war dance. I’m marching like a soldier and screaming from my belly. This reminds me of some RSD seminars where we would get ready to pick up girls. The teacher explains us that if a woman asks you how you feel, the best way would be to roar like an animal. That’s how women relate tomen. Through emotion.
I knew all that but to hear it here made me feel at home. We practice our belly cries. I remember I did this as a morning routine a couple years ago to train my voice while doing the morning jog in the dark. I didn’t know you could also scream in a pillow back then.
The explanation of the teacher really resonated with me and I found the right tonality in my belly. It wasn’t a loud roar but at least my throat didn’t hurt and I knew that my voice wouldn’t be fucked up the next day.
We are now to dance freely but the teacher says something I love. If you don’t feel it don’t do it.
It’s like dropping into a state instead of forcing yourself into it by taking massive action and pretending to have fun until you have. I can see how acceptance can be powerful.
We start with eyes closed and we are to open them and start dancing when we really want. No half hearting shit. Only the real deal.
Sadly I don’t feel it. I even have trouble explaining why I can’t.
There is some sadness coming up when I hear everyone having fun. I’m the big dating coach right? I eat ‘getting in state’ for breakfast. Literally, every day.
I feel like we are in a war zone. The closed eyes make it really intense and I start feeling like a little boy. I start crying a bit.
I slightly open my eyes and I see that only a couple of the guys are running around. Tamás is having fun in an aggressive way. Still holding his balls in his hands from the previous assignment.
The sounds get louder slowly.
Now I’m telling myself that I’m a crybaby and not such a big man at all. I cannot control this safe environment? I start crying more and by now my mouth even gets wet from my tears.
I’m still standing in the middle of the dance floor with my eyes closed. My body shakes and tears start dropping on the floor. I don’t dare open my eyes and keep crying. The music is overwhelming and the screams make it even more intense.
When I open my eyes Tamás sees me and cheers at me and screams that he loves me. We hug each other strongly. His penis pressed against me and my tears pouring over his shoulder while the rest of the guys dance like crazed apes around us.
The music stops and we are all dead quiet for a minute.
Now comes an exercise where we have to protect each other like a bunch of Greek Hoplites. It really reminds me of a movie and feels surreal. When Tamás plays the wounded soldier it feels a bit weird but when he’s protecting me I really feel loved and accepted. It feels so surreal that I will later have to figure out how it’s possible and will find our safe modern society to be accountable.
He’s screaming that they should leave me alone and that I need the space.
When it’s over we look at each other and both see the value in this act of kindness.
We are a band of brothers.
I’m in fury at the next assignment. As much as I love them, I also feel hatred for the teachers. Especially the ones that practice monogamy and promote abundance together. My friend Nicolò told me I should take lessons out of the provided information and not worry too much about the congruency of the role model, but I do.
I’m not going to make friends by writing down what I’m about to write but that’s not the point right? The point is to express myself and not keep anything cluttered. That’s the purest way and from my current point of view also the only way to growth. But what are we growing here anyway?
I would like to know the point of doing the exercise to feel vulnerable. Surely it’s meant to find balance to later diminish vulnerability.
Writing this report is just as scary as attending the event. It goes paired with a lot of stress and fear. I don’t want to lose face in this amazing new community. I could say that I’m in love with it. The healthy kind of in love, I discovered, I hope, thanks to the teachers that I’m about to condemn for not practicing what they preach, in my eyes. Their lessons give me a great sense of insight and peace of mind. I’m either not there yet, but just totally overreacting to yet another passion, or confusion for that matter. Or I’m so ‘broken’ in the right area to have discovered fundamental collective flaws that I need to scream of the rooftops.
I fall from one side to another. Generally the confused one in the morning, to the level of being stressed out.
My psoriasis has become worse this year and it’s actually looking more like the real deal instead of just two tiny dots on the back of my head.
They say this incurable skin disease gets worse with stress.
Something amazing also happened. In school times I had always loved randomness in getting into groups to do work but hated my classmates for always trying to avoid getting out of their comfort zones, which I didn’t identify as such back then. Most of the times I thought I was just weird.
And the schoolteachers would be resented by me for their weak spines and letting the students dig their own graves in the process, cause I would bring others down with me, metaphorically. You know what I mean. The gossiping and distances would get worse and dynamics would somehow always make me the one holding the shortest straw. I would be bullied by small groups that didn’t understand me.
So, what happened before the protect your buddy assignment amazed me. We were to pick someone randomly to project anger towards and I happened to think of the teacher from the desire workshop that I had a discussion with the other day. There he was, in the crowd, and not even far from me. I didn’t dare to approach him because I didn’t want to upset him, but everyone around us picked someone and there the two of us were left to pick each other.
He didn’t really seem to notice my anger when we started the assignment. We were to scream and make weird movements with our hips. As if we were using a degenerate penetration movement as a sign of dominance. I don’t know if this had the desired effect. I had trouble focusing on my pain but nevertheless I saw the potential in this exercise. Maybe something happened subconsciously but I didn’t feel it at that time.
Then we were to stroll around again and hold eye contact with random others and say; “brother, I see you” And after the Greek Hoplite technique we were to get back to the first guy. That was the teacher for me. I had to look for him but it didn’t take long for me to find him. He was on my mind.
This time we also moved our hips and opened hand palms but this time in the opposite direction
and we shouted something polarizing as opposed to the mean shouting. It was disarming. I stared in his eyes and saw vulnerability. I didn’t feel sorry, I just saw a human being. Feeling sorry or looking up to him strangely weren’t options anymore in that moment.
As in a computer screen where some options are grayed out when they somehow become irrelevant.
It was time to go see the women. I had no idea what to expect that day and I didn’t even know we were to meet them before the day had started.
We stand in a line and are asked to do the deep humming we practiced before. I tell myself that it must probably sound pretty manly. We are then asked to walk slowly and avoid eye contact with the women. It takes the magic away a bit if you do, says the teacher.
So, we walk in a long line like a bunch of scribes with swords like in some kind of Warhammer game or any other kind of well exaggerated nerd movie.
It feels fucking cool actually.
When we arrive the women are making feminine sounds. The feeling I’m having is hard to describe, but it’s something I’ve never felt before. It’s a mix of different things. It’s excitingly sexy. I don’t know what to expect. I also feel that I could do better. I mean, I didn’t even dance in the area below, the man cave. I feel attractive though. I’m young and good looking compared to the other men but I feel that I’m very ‘needy’ too. I really do my best not to be but that is impossible of course. I let my thoughts wander and let them go.
We are told to not look at each other yet when we are facing each other. Men and women all opposite of each other. I close my eyes a bit. It makes it easier. I peek a bit though and notice some women are not attractive to me but some are, and some look really super sexy. It’s such a mixed feeling. I think none of the women are wearing bra’s and almost all nipples are visible through the thin fabric. One girl looks very hot and I can clearly see her nipples. I talked with her before when I invited her to eat next to me when I noticed her searching around with a plate of food, and she had joined me.
When at some point we are to open our eyes and roar like wild animals, and scream with our deep voices as loud as possible it really feels like the ground is trembling. Some of the women’s eyes widen and they look like they are getting goosebumps. The hot girl’s nipples instantly get rock hard and point out like they were just massaged with ice cubes. But it’s hot in the room. Some of the men aren’t wearing shirts.
The erotic moment doesn’t last though. At some point we are told that the masculine will now surrender to the feminine and that all aggressive behavior and hunting is now to be forgotten for a while. The men are now most vulnerable and real. No facades anymore. Every-day society doesn’t exist in here. We are human and we connect on an emotional level. Writing this down makes my eyes all watery because it was so beautiful. If we wanted we could kneel. And I felt like kneeling. My head down, on the floor. Crying like a little baby. I felt so sorry for the women I had seduced without connecting with them. And the women felt me.
The men were ordered to now all lie down, no exceptions.
I had my eyes closed as I heard all the men move, until the sound stopped.
Many women cried and one of the blonds later told me that this was an amazing moment for her. She looked like a panda bear with her make-up all over her face when she did. But she said that when all the men kneeled, something snapped inside of her and she could release everything.
After that we carry on. Men are now in a circle facing the wall, eyes closed. People with a partner are in the middle and there are too many of them but at least we are separated, I tell myself. The majority of people are on the outer ring. The women are standing around the men, facing them. But the men have their eyes closed tightly. They are not at all allowed to peek.
The outer women ring is asked to dance around the men and at some point, when they stop I feel super excited. There were many very beautiful women when I looked around. And the best thing, there are more women then men. That means that when they stop I’ll have a chance to have two women for me. My biggest dream is a threesome. Anything that even remotely reminds me of a threesome with women gets my blood flowing.
I find it hard to focus though. Somehow, something makes any woman attractive and I’m suddenly fine with any of them dancing for me. And that’s the point. To have a random woman dance sexy for us.
When the women stop we are allowed to open our eyes. I see the most beautiful creature ever. I ask myself why I hadn’t noticed her beauty before. I probably find her attractive because of the exercises. Her ass is huge and her waist is skinny, the body is perfectly shaped. She is a bit older then me and her lips are very big too. Her hair is blond and her feet short. The way she smiles at me makes me feel like the most attractive man in the room. She starts dancing super sexy like a porn star in that little solo thing before the brand bumper. Her jawbone is wide and I love it. It reminds me of the feeling that I get when I used to pick up girls. Those moments are rare but it happens that the eye contact and the vibe gets you a hard on in the middle of the streets within seconds of meeting a total stranger. Those are the best moments.
We are asked to close our eyes again and away she is. I get to meet some other girls. A very pretty slender blond woman that doesn’t look like she really enjoys herself. She was at the workshop with me on the first day and I fell in love with her body but her eyes made me all cold.
Same happened here. No eye contact. I tell myself that she probably has a lot to unlearn and that she must be rather new here. I hope she will have a great sexy time.
I see some other women passing by and they are all breaking eye contact rather quick. I almost start doubting myself.
I know women have a special power to see how needy a man thinks and it makes me all meek. Until something happens…
I open my eyes and there is the dark haired girl that called me frog man the other day. She looks at me very seductively and I instantly feel great again.
Sadly she has to go to make room for the next woman. The group turns and turns. Men still standing still, eyes closed.
After a while, when the group stops the women are asked to dance for the men. It takes very long before I feel something but when I do it feels great. I get to touch a fine body of a nice small girl. It goes very slowly.
She’s gentle and I feel a connection. We are vibing together and react to the smallest of movement to each other. It totally turns me on and makes us come closer together. Lips coming and going. Feeling the breath and the skin.
It feels divine. This isn’t comparable to anything in normal nightclubbing. The blindfold makes me feel safe. Because of the vulnerability and trust I give to the woman in front of me and she knows how to take care of me. She just needs my permission and she has it. All of it.
As she is touching me I feel a super gentle touch on my back. Like silky fingers caressing me as if I was some kind of special thing. It were the hands of another woman. I feel her with all my senses and my mind goes wild. Four beautiful hands on my body and mine on them, I’m going over their naked flesh and feel their soft butts through the fabric.
This is reminding me of my threesome wish again. This is what I want my first threesome to be like. Two women fully relaxed and enjoying themselves, doing what they want with me.
I feel that the other woman is topless and I caress her. At that point a man and a woman join us and I totally fail to keep my eyes closed. I now just close them from time to time to enjoy and hide at the same time. The third woman is young and attractive and I cheer inside of myself. I touch her everywhere as she takes off her bra as well. I start making out with her and we are fully entangled like snakes. We end up on the floor, on a small pillow. And the music slowly turn more relaxed.
When after a while i open my eyes I see one of the three blondes close to us. Panda eyes.
She’s with a man but he doesn’t stay long. She stays alone and I crawl one meter to her with the girl I heavily kissed in my hands. I place my head on panda eyes’ lap and enjoy touching her cute feet a bit. I feel great and stay like this a bit chill.
At some point I feel two more hands lifting my head and when I look up I see frog girl! She puts my head on her lap and positions herself between the other girls. My big smile shows that she couldn’t have picked a better moment. Oh I love my girls confident!
Lots of people already stood up but of course I just stay there. Feeling like a king. When I look up I see miss ice cube nipple walking past and she smiles at me. Joking a bit about what she sees. I invite her jokingly to also join us but she doesn’t do it. I want her too, just her. Last one, I promise.
After a while more of caressing all the girls and crawling inside their laps a bit more the girl I kissed decides to go and cute feet leaves shortly after.
So I end up with frog girl and we start to actually talk a bit. I tell her about what I’m doing. I’m having a fasting period off of women. No sex, no pickup, no women at all actually, not even as friends. I just make an exception for healing work like this festival.
We stick around together for the rest of the evening.
We vibe along pretty well. We even kiss lightly at some point. Just because it feels right and weird if I wouldn’t. This a lasting connection. The girls that I meet during the exercises come and go like butterflies but this one is more like a safe haven. It makes me want to look for more women and she notices that.
The moment I look at a woman she tells me I’m hunting. Her words.
I don’t feel very annoyed by it though. The fact that she came along while I was with two women shows me that she isn’t looking for validation because she knows she’s attractive and valuable. It makes me feel cared for and looked after. I feel understood.
I do want to go look for the blonde from yesterday though. I even ask her if she wants to help me look for them but of course she doesn’t agree.
We stay together.
She’s a sexual creature. I always appreciated that in women. Not for the obvious reason but more about the link that I see, at least around me here in the west, that those kind are generally confident. It’s what I ‘grew’ towards and what I told my students to look for too.
She slightly lifts her shirt and let’s me touch her nipples when we stand near the bar.
At some point we walk past the toilet and she goes in. I go into the men’s room and when I come out I wait for her.
I wait a bit longer.
And even longer, until I give up. I’m slightly relieved and I’m a little disappointed. I am now open for other women. I switch my thoughts and I sometimes look around for either yesterday’s girl and frog girl, but at some point I start feeling that I’m losing my energetic vibe. At this point the room is filled with people. Among them are outsiders, because it’s Saturday night. The door is open for people that don’t attend the festival.
I meet a woman that looks familiar. I don’t remember who she is but I already know that I don’t like her. She recognizes me immediately and asks me what I’m doing here. It’s a woman that I had a discussion with in a supermarket after approaching her there. She knew everything better then me about polyamory. She had tried it but had become monogamous and told me I should look for a guru that would enlighten me. I had looked him up on Facebook and asked him about healthy monogamy. He told me to read his book and I felt worse off.
Her vibe is from the outside world. She probably has some experience in Tantra but she doesn’t seem to experience it now. It makes me feel worse.
I decide that I should get rid if these thoughts.
I don’t like the party too much upstairs and decide to go downstairs.
I just go lying down on a huge pillow in the lower area.
The moment I close my eyes. Or maybe two minutes later, I feel two little hands on me. When I open my eyes I see one of the blondes. It’s the first one I danced with blindfolded yesterday.
We give each other the biggest smiles and even start laughing. She tries to join me on the pillow but we fall off it all the time because it has a certain amount of air inside and is actually very unhandy. We give up and my mind starts thinking dirty thoughts. The party is going on and it’s a chaos upstairs
My old hunter mind starts working and I want something from her. I want to feel better. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it. I ask her if she wants to come upstairs in the lounge room that I examined before. I saw some dried fruit and chocolate around a pillow under a thin see-through cloth. She excitedly agrees to come with me and we start playing.
I don’t know what to do to play the game appropriately but I know exactly what to do to seduce her. Or at least I think I do. I use the fruit and my touch on her blindfolded face and body. I play slowly but I go so fast that I don’t even notice the feathers lying around.
I don’t take little steps back because of my empty feeling inside, taking steps back is crucial for seduction but I just try to turn her on with my breath, while holding my lips very close to hers, and being oblivious of what she’s feeling. It’s something I would love a girl do to me when blindfolded and it turns out I’m the one who’s blind.
At some point after the taste experience we lie on a blanket and she suddenly tells me it doesn’t feel okay and leaves. I feel beaten and stupid. But on the other hand I’m glad she’s very mature. Like she’s used to coming here and giving her boundaries like this. So there is no bitterness towards her.
Later that night I finally meet her friend, the one I kissed the night before and I almost feel like a begger when I ask her why she doesn’t want to kiss me anymore. I didn’t really have trouble with girls changing their minds when I was nightclubbing but that was because I was the one hunting and there would always be options for me. Now the strategy changed to no strategy at all anymore and that’s something my mind hasn’t fully wrapped itself around yet.
She tells me that she was asked to have a threesome by a guy with a girlfriend. She told me that she really liked them both and she asked herself why she wanted to discuss it with me. It’s not the first time women feel at ease with me to share their secrets.
Most of them were girlfriends that would always tell me about their other boyfriends. I guess I really wanted to connect better with women by being so open to them myself and giving them green lights to become open as well.
The night ends with me feeling great and getting a small pecker on my mouth from her. It feels like a goodbye kiss rather though but I’m already okay with it. I guess I thought my way out of this nasty little one when I was trying to meditate towards the end. I didn’t meet frog girl anymore either and went home to make myself a nice steak to wash away all the vegan food.