Friday, part one out of three (18 minute read)

I stand in front of Club Lite’s entrance on the stairs when I make eye contact with some people in the line. The vibe is really special. People greet each other and talk a little.
The tension I feel is naughty and friendly.

I tell myself that this is going to be amazing. I pay 265 euros at the door but I trust that they will be well spent. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. The experience in Odessa was so cheap compared to this and was heart-warming to me. I had felt all emotions there but I didn’t fully get to go deep inside all of them, I would later realize.

When I’m inside after getting some weird smoke on my clothes and caressed by a lovely woman I see my friend Tamás. He’s walking around in the room and giving random people a hand. There are a lot of people in the room. More then a hundred and they are all sitting against the wall.

I’m excited to see him here because he’s such a loving person and always there for me when I could use some help.

When I approach him from the back I start to hesitate if it’s really him because I feel watched. We are in the center of attention. I expect him to jump in my arms like a little kid because he doesn’t know that I’m attending this event. Heck, I didn’t even know until a couple hours ago, two at max. Facebook somehow told me just in time about this. Thanks Facebook. I was thinking about what to do tonight.

It’s him but he doesn’t jump my arms like a little kid. He’s very excited nevertheless and hugs me strongly. I tell myself that it’s probably a little bit like when I saw the RSD (Real Social Dynamics, a pickup company that teaches men how to get laid) guys in Club Odessa a couple of weeks ago and felt a bit disappointed that pickup artists would come to a place like this.

I used to be one of them.

The organizers rally up the guests and we all sit on the floor when the coaches introduce themselves. There are more then ten.
Two of them get my specific attention. A man and and woman that talk about how to connect.

By the way, as I’m writing this I notice a lot of resistance in me and I stare in the distance away from my words many times. I already told some people that I came here with a lot of questions and left the festival with more questions. I don’t know what I should and what I shouldn’t write down. I even just started writing a message to a girl that I met at the festival that trusted me by telling me about going on a threesome with a guy and his girlfriend, if I could use her real name in this story but I didn’t send the message. Facebook saves it for me for a while. Thanks again Facebook.
Rakesh, one of the organizers told us that sharing shouldn’t be about the physical but more about the emotional, inner experience. Or at least that’s what I got out of it.
I’m just going to write and I’ll see what comes out of it and what feels good. This worked for me the whole weekend.

I have many questions. How to express myself is a big one and I brought that one to the workshop about connection, it seemed.

When I’m there, I see the girl that pained my face at the Wildhearts party in Odessa. We only connect and hug after a couple of exercises but I’m very attracted to her toes. Hers and the other young girl. Her feet are also perfect. They are the same. The skin looks silky and I cannot imagine them to be stinky. Both girls are small and blond and I’m very attracted to both of them.

In between the exercises I remember a talk that triggered a question in me. I don’t completely remember but it was along the lines of being unattached to the outcome when desiring. The teacher called it the third option. The first two options were dependence and apathy according to my memory. He used to word polyamory first in an example. It wasn’t me who brought it up but I ended up asking them if they were monogamous.
Again, the reason I was there was because I always tell people that they shouldn’t desire or fall in love. That it’s unhealthy to do so and every time I say or want to say it I feel like, or I actually do step on some toes. Some stories of people that desire are beautiful and inspiring so I came onto a hold when making videos about the subject for my YouTube channel.

Going to this connection workshop was a golden opportunity for me and seeing their three options for being with someone simplified in front of me gave a sense of inner peace but it also brought up a question after asking the couple for clarification about their form of being together.

Why the fuck do they feel like they want to keep each other locked up in monogamy?

Why not letting go of that desire too?

The teacher asked me if I could understand that it doesn’t matter what the relationship looks like. It’s all about the relationship you have with yourself. Yes I know, that’s what Eckhart Tolle said. I get that. And that’s why I don’t see the need for people to design their relationship or follow up someone else’s design. If it’s by chance it should be okay. If you end up monogamous after letting each other free then that’s healthy to me because the desire to own each other is gone. Surely that’s the kind of monogamy Tolle means in his book. That’s what committing to yourself means, right? I personally think this way of monogamy is so much harder then polyamory because polyamory is so confronting that it forces you to look inside and do the inner work required to handle jealousy.
But the teachers weren’t okay with letting each other free. I saw them as frauds and I started to look down upon everyone in that room that didn’t question them like I did. But yes it was beautiful what they said about three kinds of desire stages.
A pickup coach once told me not to desire after I asked him; “how to enjoy a woman just as much as you desire her”. He had answered me with “don’t desire, it could be equally disappointing anyway”. And I felt my 300 Euro for that seminar were well spent because this was a question that had tormented my younger years. I lived by that for the next three years until I couldn’t anymore. I wish the RSD coach had told me “don’t desire owning someone” instead. It would have saved me a lot of banging my head against the wall.

Back to our workshop.
I had to, and did answer the teacher’s question with no, I don’t get that. I don’t see how this kind of monogamy is possible. But we had to go on. I felt the room cringe. Especially from a brunette I felt emotion as she sighed. It’s a sensitive topic, I know. But I didn’t feel understood at all.
The teacher took some time to go on discussing my question though. We were discussing different lifestyles it seemed. He said it wasn’t easy and everyone has pain. And that’s the difference. Some people are okay with embracing the pain and others want to fight the pain.
Actually I still didn’t completely get it. I mean what’s the point in going to a tantra workshop and do all the beautiful healing work but not taking care of the essence. I would get a little closer to the answer the next day. (Read the next story)

Of course, after the course I went to talk with them. He didn’t have time but his wife explained me something that put me at ease. She said that trying to find words to explain something is taking all the magic out of the experience. Or something along those lines. And I started to see how lost I was in all this. The more I discover about the topic, the more I get lost in it.

You see, trying to find words for something means you feel the need to tell the world. Telling the world means you aren’t fully okay with it yourself. You still need to get the validation. You’re asking yourself by telling the world. Why does it matter to me what the world does? If my life would be awesome it wouldn’t matter how other people lived theirs, would it? I think she used the example of conspiracy theory. When she did I instantly saw all the connections in my life. How I actually was heavily indulged in conspiracy thinking almost 10 years ago. And how my anger towards the rest of the room felt like that same rage I felt after not getting reactions on my Facebook posts about 9/11. When I look at myself like that it all seems so futile and absurd.

This was my problem and my problem only.

I just found a substitute in polyamory. No matter how right I am. It doesn’t matter. Wanting to spread the word about how bad monogamy is is just as bad as wanting to be monogamous. Or wanting to consume women. I’m scared of monogamy it seems because if it’s something I should accept for other I have to admit that it could be a possibility for me too. But I’m bad at monogamy, so I’m scared of failing and that’s why I project it onto the world.

After this workshop we had vegan food and talked with each other. The blond girls had another blond friend and my friend Tamás turned out to know one of them. We got to know each other and after the exercises we were all heated up and relaxed. During the exercises we had touched each other a lot and had great eye contact. We were all chill and we still had that vibe after dinner. Actually during the whole festival. I even did an exercise with the brunette that was clearly annoyed by my talk about polyamory and connected with her. That felt so good. A man had talked to me a bit too and asked me how long I was into tantra. He was surprised when I told him this was my first tantra event because he said I asked the teachers very nice questions. That warmed my heart too.

So after dinner we somehow ended up in each others arms. Tamás and me with the three young blondes. We built connection for the rest of the weekend by just lying there and caressing each other. It felt a bit like heaven. There was still some insecurity and judgment inside me but time healed all that.
In my time of picking up girls I could never get this kind of intimacy with multiple women. The women I attracted were not as confident or comfortable to open up like this. They were fine to be sexual with me and occasionally I could introduce girlfriends to each other but those situations were rather rare. I felt much more potential here. My mind drifted off into hunting mode as I lay there but I enjoyed it very much. My ego told me that these are the prettiest girls in the whole festival that were caressing my hands and body. I could feel the rings they were wearing and I didn’t memorize the rings deliberately but that’s how I would recognize the girls later.

Right now I feel like I have to stop writing because it feels bad. I hesitate and fall back into coming off as correct. I don’t really remember what happened and I already asked a girl what we did on Friday. Why do I want to write this story? Why did I lose my ability to pickup girls? The same reason…

Eagerness.

I’m not ready to write this story. To much happened and I need time to process and let the desire to write arise naturally.
If I can’t even remember what happened around one of the most intense experiences in my life where I’m being touched by many different women while wearing a blindfold. A lot must have happened afterward. Trying to chalk everything down as soon as possible to not forget anything makes me forget chunks of it.

The last event is an ecstatic dance. The men are blindfolded and the women dance erotically with us. I dance with some women and they all feel nice but it’s scary. I don’t know what they look like. I still get a bit horny but the feelings are mixed. I conclude that you should just let it go and enjoy. I feel the body of a woman that touches me from the front. I hear the teacher say that there are more women than men so its okay to have multiple women on a man. It’s easy to dance while blindfolded. I don’t see myself and it’s flowing. I normally have no clue how to dance to this music. I really enjoy her body when I feel two more hands on my back. Now that’s exquisite. The women are in sync with each other and this is getting close to the feeling of the threesome I’m going to have some day.

The exercise end while the men are still blindfolded and the ‘free for all’ night starts. Apparently.
I’m still blindfolded when a girl approaches me with a nice vibe. She dances with me and I have to trust her moves. She dances like a little girl when she runs around with me in her hands. Sometimes we dance sensually and I get to touch her body. I hear her voice sometimes a bit and it gives me the feeling that I know her. Maybe I impressed someone here then. She dances sensually with me and pressed her body against mine. I definitely know it’s a young woman now and I get aroused. I hold her ass and she caresses my body and then breaks of into running around with me. My socks slide over the slippery floor and I can barely keep up with her. At some point I turn her around and feel her rings.

It’s one of the blondes! I felt this hand with rings before and now I recognize her scent too. It’s one of the ones that was at the workshop with me with the cute feet. I had a little sexual moment with her earlier that day so I instantly get an erection when I find out and then press it against her ass. She notices that I recognize her and seems to get aroused by that knowledge, and of course my erection. It must have made her feel a bit special or something. Or maybe that’s what I wanted to make it look like in my hunters mind. This one I’d caressed under her dress when laying with them and she had asked me to remove my hand from her “yoni” area. We dance for a bit longer and I hold her ass and feel her enjoyment and hear her giggles. Our cheeks even touch each other and then we run again at a pace that I can not keep up with on my socks before she suddenly disappears.

Then after a moment of waiting I feel two tiny sweaty hands grabbing mine. I have no idea who this is but after she starts dancing like a little girl as well and I can also not keep up I know that this must also be one of the blondes.
We dance and sometimes with our bodies against each other. Her shoulders are smaller then the other girl. I recognize the scent but I lay there with more then one girl that afternoon. When I feel her hands I notice that this actually has to be the one I had in mind, according to her rings. I’m confused. I hope I pressed my erection against the right one but if I didn’t, it meant that two girls would be attracted to me, I tell myself. I dance a bit longer with her and press her against me too. Also with this girl our faces make contact and I’m getting aroused. I make sure I really get to feel where her rings are as a point of reference. I have to find out who I’m dancing with now.
When I take of the blindfold the girls are vanished and the dance floor is almost empty. I was the only one that was still blindfolded.
One guy looks at me and tells me with a grin on his face that he knows who she was.

I figure he won’t tell me so I proceed.

I decide to sit on a couch next to a brunette with glasses. She’s attractive and talkative. I only asked if I could sit next to her and she completely takes over. Asking me about my necklace. It’s made of five green stones with the biggest one in the middle.
She says it looks like a frog and calls me frog guy.

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Then I see one of the blondes walking past and I immediately excuse myself and run towards her grabbing her hand to check her rings. It’s miss sweaty hand and that makes it seem like both girls I danced with were attracted to me, and makes me feel like a king.

Later that night I keep dancing with miss. sweaty hands whom I initially thought I’d impressed at the workshop with my questions about polyamory. Hey it’s how I still think, in impressing people. I hope that will change some day.

I think she’s super hot and her not wearing a bra makes me want to pinch her nipples. I tell her that I’m not going to kiss her. I’m on a fasting period. Because I’m addicted to picking up girls and that is the reason I’m here. I admit to myself that I think that what I say sounds pretty cool but I’m just being honest. I’m also being stupid, I tell myself after I tell her I treat myself to a nice jerk off session in the peep show once a week since I’m on my fasting period of no distractions. Women are the biggest drug in my life and I’m running away from myself in them. Failing to connect with them because I’m disconnected to my self. I tried to reduce alcohol, watching series and eating candy too but I’m working on that as well.
At the end I tell myself that I didn’t pick her up.
We just connected and it would be sad not to go with the flow. I give her a small kiss. I actually don’t do much. Just stand there and let it happen like in the movies. I slide my hand under her cloth to pinch her nipples too. They feel divine.

When I’m in bed I’m actually worried. Not about not totally keeping my fasting promise of three months but about the fact that I said “wrong” things. It’s my hunter mind that snuck into my mind through the back door.

What I’m also worried about though is that I’m getting too attached to her and I try to not enjoy it too much for the sake of balance. I meditate a bit on it.
If I would fall in love with her I would have to cut her out of my life for her sake and I don’t want that because I love the connection we have.