(8 minutes read)
I’m not looking for adventure. Having adventures is great. There is nothing wrong with it. But if you look for adventure you are running after something. If you run it means you indefinitely also run away from something.
I hope I did well yesterday. I didn’t mean to get into an adventure but I did. I’m trying not to run away from myself anymore so I’m avoiding the places where I usually fall into the trap of running after girls. It’s really easy to fall into that trap. Every time I want to practice my ‘game’. And most of the time when I want a girl. When I run after her, literally, on the streets. Or figuratively when I pretend to flow next to her but with the intention of getting her.
What does ‘getting’ even mean? I see its hard to be polyamorous when you are always trying to ‘get’. Because polyamory is about understanding that getting people is impossible. But I’m drifting off into polyamory, as always.
Yesterday I decided to avoid those places but I still wanted to be active. I’ve been watching Game of Thrones and it feels a little bit more like numbing down then actually taking care of myself. I haven’t figured it out yet. It doesn’t feel so bad after an episode.
I went to a party called Wildhearts in a club called Odessa, in Amsterdam. One of my students gave me this idea but he later flaked on me. Then I asked another friend but the description was vague so he threw in the towel even before seeing it. He has a tenancy to take cold showers for three seconds instead of three minutes too so I’m guessing he’s not willing to pay twenty euros for something he doesn’t know. Scared he would want to leave after ten minutes. He never really does though. He’s always enjoying more then he expects.
I’m biking there alone, in a rush. I wanted to squeeze in another Game of Thrones episode before leaving but I come on time, as always. But why can’t I just bike there and enjoy nature? Maybe buy a comfortable saddle? Or maybe not…
When I arrive I’m actually pretty happy I wasn’t there earlier. The happy looking people without shoes intimidate me, slightly. It’s new. I have been to Club Lite two times now. There everyone is also barefooted but I never took my shoes off, neither did do it this time. It seems dirty to me if it’s not on a beach.
I’m in my head, thinking about why I’m in my head in this place, where everyone is so free and non judgemental. I must be a hard case indeed if that’s the case.
I’m mister Social 24/7 you know. I can’t be all shy in here.
I stand there, looking around with my back against a wall, looking at people. I love to look at people.
Then my eyes connect with a small girl standing next to me and she starts talking to me.
Now, I really enjoy the contact but I made a vow not to have any kind of contact with girls. I can be polite and I don’t have to reject them but I shouldn’t make myself jealous of my former self. It’s kind of like I’m in a monogamous relationship with myself. I shouldn’t cheat on my new me with my former me.
I tell myself that I’m not here to be isolated around people.
I flow with her and she is interested in what I have to say. I talk about “The 5 Love Languages” and about Jung’s archetypes.
Before I know it someone calls us in, saying that the dance workshop is starting. I have no idea what to expect, at all.
We arrive on a dance floor with small round windows at eyes height. Looking just above the water. We are on a boat. Odessa is a boat. The boat slightly moves in the waves and you feel it down deck, the dance floor.
The women are very sexy dressed, a bit like hippies but that sounds like a label. And I don’t think that was their intention when they dressed up.
The woman with the microphone looks super sexy with white stockings and a tight see through vest with an untied bra under it. It still looks comfortable because her boobs are tiny. She’s obviously dutch and doesn’t seem to care about her accent and mistakes.
We start very slowly with breathing exercises. Followed up with light dancing. I feel awkward, I don’t know how to blend in with the crowd because they almost all look like fools. It’s so funny.
I feel like a fool too because I don’t know how to dance like a fool. But I force myself, naturally. And of course I become a bit more loose. You see that’s the good side about pickup. Action. I don’t want to sound like John Cooper too much, my own coach, but he so damn right about it.
So, what now, what’s next? We are to start tapping each other on the body. Different body parts. Nothing intimate but just touch. I tap the small girl that is still standing next to me and I feel human connection and arousal. Her body feels really soft and I instantly get an erection.
Now the girl with the microphone tells us to tap everyone in the room and mingle with each other. It feels weird to tap men but their faces are so happy and I don’t sense any kind of homophobia so I get used to it really quick.
Also the reassurance that I feel when someone taps me gives me some sense of acceptance.
So next we are to pretend that we are lions and have to crawl on the floor. It’s crowded so the floor is full and that feels cozy. But to then also just attack and grab people feels really out of my comfort zone. I decide to still approach some targets for my hunting spree. It’s nice. They all love it and I even notice some guys looking in envy at me. I must admit that I didn’t grab many men. Some of them were sweaty too.
Next we are pretending to be snakes and we have to crawl through each other. It’s even more crowded when people are lying down so we always touch multiple others. It’s a bit scary to be touching unknown men and it feels amazing at the same time to touch women but I keep my eyes closed and enjoy the unexpectedness. Some women that I touch enjoy it a lot after I open my eyes for a bit and make slight eye contact with a smile. I then bury myself more in them and just stop for a bit with their body parts mingled into mine. We caress each other. I loved this exercise. I would later decide that this was my favorite part of the whole night.
Oh, I nearly forgot but as I type I remember the next one where we massage each other while turning each other on. I don’t really remember why we did this but I remember the woman’s response when I grabbed the back of her hair while I was touching her with as much body of mine as I could. She moaned pretty loudly and while I did that another woman massaged and caressed me too.
So after that it’s time for some challenges. Volunteers get a random assignment and surprisingly enough the woman that has to do a striptease goes completely naked. After all that the party starts and we are off into the magic of the night with our greased mindsets.